


Be Careful What You Order Online, You May Not Get What You Want

by nephthyslaments



Series: The February 28th Universe [4]
Category: Finder no Hyouteki | Finder Series
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Author is chocolate deprived, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Other, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, What Was I Thinking?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-13
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2020-10-17 10:17:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20619395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nephthyslaments/pseuds/nephthyslaments
Summary: I have GOT to stop getting into comment section discussions with all y'all authors 'cuz then crap like this comes spewing out (*squinting evilly in your direction MissMoe*).





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My author SaltiSnacks has kindly allowed me to use her in this story - bwahahaha - little does she know what I have planned for her! This is dedicated to her for all the blood, sweat, and tears she puts into the Bakeneko series, allowing me to be her beta, putting up with our collective insanity, and just being an all around wonderful person. You're terrific!

The abrupt, shrill and prolonged blast from the front doorbell, almost immediately superseded by what sounded like the local police department using their battering ram to break down the front door, shattered the peace and quiet of the early weekday morning.

“Lady? Hey lady! You home?” a thick southern accented voice could be heard calling from the other side.

“I’m dropping off your package plus I’ve got a message to relay too!”

The woman in question, by this point, realized she had somehow ended up standing in front of the open front doorway, staring at what looked like a wall of plywood while the voice on the other side continued.  


“Ahem. Alrighty then. On behalf of Jeff Bezos, Amazon, Amazon Prime, Amazon Fulfillment Centers, it’s associated employees, drivers and ALL of FedEx down to and including the janitors, please, for the love of God, never, EVER, order anything from us again. Ever. Cordially yours - Jeff Bezos, Amazon, Amazon Prime, Amazon Fulfillment Centers, its associated employees, drivers and ALL of FedEx, most especially and including the janitors and have a suPRIMEly wonderful day!”

With that being said, the slap, slap, slap of running feet could be heard after which the sounds of a large engine screaming in protest as it was gunned hard and then followed by the squealing of what must have been ALL the rubber on each tire being laid down in front of her house as the mystery delivery driver peeled out.

Ms. Snacks, Salti to her friends, Spicy to her husband, stood frozen in flabbergasted shock and confusion, staring blankly at the wall of plywood still in front of her, racking her memory to see if Neph had at any point mentioned in her messages that she was sending a medium to large sized zoo animal as a surprise for whatever fucking reason.

She had finally noticed the message on the crate, spray painted in LARGE BLACK BLOCK letters in front of her stating ‘Open Me Here’ with an ever so helpful arrow pointing upwards to a heavy-duty latch while noticing at the same time that there also seemed to be a suspiciously large number of holes drilled around the top.

“What the fuck?”

(Now we need to pause right here and introduce our final character in this soon to be shitshow. She is the pride and joy of Ms. SaltiSnacks and Mr. HealthySnacks. Let’s call her BiteSizedSnacks and boy oh boy is she a pistol. She will also be the catalyst and instigator of a day that Ms. Snacks will try for years to erase from her memory – hello Dr. Phil! Let’s meet your next victi…err…patient!).

The sound of “Momma! Momma!” snapped Ms. Snacks (Salti to her friends in case you forgot) into action as she snagged BiteSized before she could be knocked over by this miniature tornado in her excitement to see what this huge and wondrous new toy might be. Clinging like a small Spider monkey, BiteSized asked in all her toddler seriousness, “Aren’t you gonna open it Momma?”

“Yes, madame. If you would be so kind as to open the crate, we would be very grateful.”

WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A latch is undone and a shipping crate opened...

_Now before we rejoin the traveling circus known as Tribe Finder we need to get a quick headcount. How many of you remember the events from the prior three installments, raise your hands please. One…Two…Three…. Excellent! Two more than expected! Anywho, ten words or less – freaks find fanfic facilitating fantastical flurries of fecundity flummoxing “Father”. That’s the “F-inder” answer and if you understood all that, your forged diploma from the university of your choice in your chosen field is on its way via snail mail. In other words, once this collective group of weirdos’ let their hair down away from work, all bets were pretty much off. Excessively. Abundantly. Substantially. To sensei’s absolute dismay and alarm. Because, of course, her name’s the one on all them books they star in. Which brings us back to the current situation…._

Clothing littered the ground from the front door all the way through the hallway and into the living room. What was normally a perfectly fine amount of space for three people and a dog was now a sardine can for twelve plus the aforementioned fur baby.

Just a few moments before, Ms. Snacks, with some help from BiteSized, had actually wrestled the latch open as the large black block letters requested and instead of the zoo animal she was pretty sure Neph had threatened her with, a hot, sweaty, smelly pile of men had tumbled out onto the floor.

_Hhhmmm. This might be something I can actually work with…._

“Get the fuck off me Suoh! You swore you lost all that hot dog and Twinky weight but it sure doesn’t fuckin’ feel like it!” a young and breathless male voice sounded from the bottom of the pile.

“AND that better not be your dick I’m feelin’ between my ass cheeks Sakazaki or I swear to god I’m gonna make you a Sakurako* if it is!”

Ms. Snacks, along with Bitesized, watched in growing interest the amount of flailing and rolling around and wrestling and moaning and groaning (whew, is it getting hot in here? No? Just me?) that was currently taking place on the foyer floor in front of them.

One by one, the sweaty, smelly men disentangled themselves and slowly got to their feet. There seemed to be a common theme among almost all of them that could be best described as either sleazy gigolo or maybe suit wearing streetwalker with the exceptions of the one in glasses and the mammoth blond wearing of all things, an apron.

The last two however were something entirely… different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sakurako - Japanese woman's name


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It just keeps getting better and better....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. I actually have a hard time writing as I'm not very creative and I struggle to come up with ideas for a coherent story. Y'all need to get that from Salti - she got all the talent in that regard. Hopefully this kind of makes up for the wait!

Of course, Ms. Snacks had almost immediately recognized the bedraggled group of men once they untangled themselves from their pile. Neph had evidently kidnapped sensei’s famous characters from her book series and had them shipped via FedEx as what must - nay surely - have been a joke. There was NO WAY IN HELL that she got THIS from Amazon. But, just in case though, she’ll have to pull up her Prime account and take a look once this disaster was cleaned up. They were always adding something new all the time and she may have simply missed the announcement.

_‘She does know kidnapping is a crime punishable by no less than five years in prison and a fine of up to $10,000, right? And I hear Huntsville is no walk in the park either’_ Salti thought to herself briefly.

Turning her attention back to the final two people, her gaze traveled up, up, up to finally land on what had to be the angriest, most threatening scowl she had ever seen in her entire life currently plastered on a rather rough but handsome face of a 6’5” (or more!) sequoia tree of a man. Wobbling next to said human tree was a petite boy so pretty that she had first mistaken him for a girl and who barely came up past the giant's waist.

“I recognize all of these idiots but who in the hell are you two?”

“Are you my new pets?” Bitesized, who had wisely remained silent, was highly intrigued and entertained by all the events up to this point and her young and inventive mind was running a mile a minute with all the mischief they could collectively get into once she hit ground level. “Momma, can I keep them? I promise I will love them and hug them and pet them and squeeze them and I will name them George. Pretty please?”

Not even bothering to look at BiteSized, Ms. Snacks answered with a quick “Puppy dog eyes and pouting don't work on me young lady! Also, no more Looney Tunes and Bugs Bunny in the afternoons before naptime. And YOU still haven’t answered my question!” pointing at Tree and Sapling as she had mentally named the mystery men.

“Er. Um. I’m ssss…orry, m’am. I don’t know what exactly happened for us to end up here, but I am Ayase Yukiya and this here bad-tempered gangster type moneylender is Kanou Somuku. We work for Hitoyo Shinozaki and Toru Kousaka.” At Ms. Snacks baffled expression, Ayase clarified with “Okane ga Nai. Otherwise known as No Money. We’re the main stars of that series.”

Oh. Dear. God. In. Heaven. Not only has Neph somehow “purchased” Tribe Finder from Amazon (that must have been a hell of a sale) but now she’s dragging other characters into it?!? Interrupting her mental struggles was what sounded like a small two engine turbo prop airplane pulling up in front of her house where the FedEx van and delivery driver had hastily fled from earlier. Peering around Tree and Sapling, she saw what appeared to be at least one Monster Jam truck - Grave Digger.

_Jesus. What the hell now?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who've never heard of Grave Digger or Monster Truck Jam, here ya go! You're welcome ;p


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> These two...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at me go! Two chapters in one night. My last two brain cells actually cooperated tonight and now I'm on a roll.

As far as Salti knew, there wasn’t any Monster Truck Jam scheduled for the local arena this weekend but hey, what did she know? It wasn’t like that was the sort of entertainment she was begging Mr. Snacks to take her to on a regular basis.

She had put BiteSized down when Grave Digger had shown up and now that little scamp was AWOL and a suspicious pile of what appeared to be various articles of men’s clothing littered her foyer (no, I didn’t forget about the clothing! Geez. Gimme a chapter or two to work it in.).

She could hear in the distant background of the living room, BiteSized giving a grand tour of their home to the temporary tourists along with warnings to not let any ‘soft bits’ get near the dog’s teeth and jaws.

“That might not be such a bad idea if it’ll get them the hell out of my house before Mr. Snacks gets home from work.”

She stood there plotting how to cover the previously mentioned guests ‘soft bits’ in condiments pleasing to a dog’s palate when the passenger side of Grave Digger swung open and a very long, very thick rope ladder was tossed out where it fell in a perfect vertical line to the ground.

Out climbed one slim, athletically built blond haired young man wearing blue and yellow floral swim trunks, a white linen button down summer shirt, and clutching a huge waffle cone in his right hand. He was immediately followed by what could only be best described as the Webster’s Dictionary definition/stereotype, at least from the rest of humanity’s viewpoint, of a typical redneck Southern hillbilly. This one, though tall, dark haired, wearing a pork pie hat and balancing a toxic looking neon blue drink, had on a t-shirt with sleeves ripped off so low you could count ribs, denim cut off shorts that were just shy of a pair of Daisy Dukes, and lastly, cheap rubber flipflops found at any local Dollar Store.

For the second time that day, Salti heard…

“Lady! Hey lady! I think you ended up with a couple of Jap foreigners that are supposed to be joining my pit crew!” as the driver of the monster truck leaned forward to peer over in her direction.

_‘Bitch please, I got more than a couple. Which one’s and how many can I con you into taking off my hands?’_ is what Ms. Snacks really wanted to say but that good ole Southern hospitality kicked in before she opened her mouth.

“If you would kindly tell me their names, I will gladly find them and send ‘em your way. Oh. And by the way, could I possibly interest you in maybe, say, ten more?”

The incredibly alarmed “FUCK NO!” put that small fantasy to rest pretty quickly. “I’ll just take the one’s called Ayase and Kanou. The rest, you can keep! And God have mercy on your soul lady. Yer gonna need it if they’re anything like these two!”

These two. They had finally shown up and in their usual inimitable style. Only Akihito and Asami could make a such grand entrance from the inside of one of the most famous monster trucks in America as they casually strolled up the front walkway like they had nothing better to do with their vacation time while sensei got some much needed rest and respite.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is similar to what I imagined for Asami.
> 
>   
  


**Author's Note:**

> No story is complete without an acknowledgement to DickHead (husband), ShitHead (son), and SweetBoy (fur baby). They make my life worthwhile.


End file.
